The sign of signs

This is boring, but, I was thinking on my way to work this morning about how much time I waste reading absolutely pointless signs.
For example. The signs stuck on the back of car windows saying things like “Baby on Board” or “Children on Board”. Well great, thanks for that, I’m pleased you informed me of that, because if you didn’t I was going to smash right into your car.
Also, coming to work this morning I read a sign (whilst queuing in traffic) saying, “if you can read this your too close”. Fuck off man. Who’s the sinner there? The person reading it, or the person putting a sign on their car in print so small, curious people have to drive closer to read it. Wankers.

Then there is the pointless road signs, especially the hazard signs. Like the one with kids on, or old people. Fair enough there maybe people ahead to watch out for like near a old peoples home or a school. But the ones with cows, and deer, also badgers?? For fuck sake, you might as well just put up “random animals may be on the road”? you could put those up on any road everywhere, how much is that costing us a year in road tax etc.
Then there is the sign with an aeroplane on it?? What the fuck? I’ve never seen a plane on the road. “Look out aeroplanes”!! Also “falling rocks”? What use is that to anyone? All of these are just random objects in the road (well except for the aeroplanes). What’s next, “beware, hub-caps in road” or “people may be committing suicide off bridges ahead” or “danger meteorites falling”. Bollocks.

It’s all a load of nonsense I know, but, I’m bored and had to write something to keep myself entertained. True though also.

COLE-DEN OLDIE

So Andy Cole is going to Scumderland eh? Well good, he’ll do sod all to help them survive. This may come as a shock to some Newcastle fans, but, I never rated Cole, ever.

Granted he scored a bag-full of goals for us to get us promotion and also kept us in the Premier League during our preliminary season, but in my opinion Peter ‘The magician’ Beardsley put probably 90% of his chances on a plate and made ‘Andrew’ Cole. The only reason we kept Cole and sold David Kelly at the end of our promotion season was because Cole had pace and Kelly didn’t.
When Cole was at Newcastle in the Premier league, I used to compare him to the SAS at Blackburn, and if they (Shearer & Sutton) lost the ball, they would chase back and fight to win it back. Did Cole do that for us? No, I thought that he was a lazy player and if we lost the ball in the final third then he’d shrug his shoulders and wander back to the half way line and wait for Pedro to receive the ball again, and cast some majestic spells, while Cole basked in the glory.

Then KK sold him to Fergie, and Geordies from Tynemouth to Morpeth were crying into their McEwans. But not me, I was worried as to where the goals were going to come from but always thought Keegan has a master plan.

So Cole ‘the goal’ went to old Trafford and again he had a magician at Manchester, in the shape of Cantona, however, he also had Giggs, Beckham and co supplying the bullets so he was bound to score bagfuls again wasn’t he? Well you’d think so, but it seemed that he needed 7 chances to score 1 goal. The problem for everyone else in the league was that the other players at Man Utd would provide him with at least seven chances, so yeah, he scored goals. But I always used to say, Stevie Wonder would score goals playing up front in that team.

Any way he’s gone to Scumberland as their ‘big’ transfer and I really think that he may be the anchor on the chain that drags them to the bottom of the sea. He’s not going to be able to play every game as he’s too old and what SAFC need is a young fit, quality (if possible) player, that can put their foot on the ball and make things happen. Unfortunately without that player I feel they’re fucked. Oh well. Diddums.

I know some people might not agree with my thoughts on Cole, but I don’t care. What do I knowwww, I don’t know nothing. (Arctic Monkey’s style sing along there). Only my humble opinion.

IF ANYONE CAN, MACCA CAN’T

He got the job, that no top manager would want,
Coz he’s a brown nose little cunt.
McClaren

The red faced man with Ginger Hair,
Was given the job by Soho Square.
McClaren

He dropped Becks, which was a complete disgrace,
But had to bring him back, getting egg on his face.
McClaren

Formation and tactics, he hasn’t a clue,
He has to ask Venables what to do.
McClaren

There’s no chance of us winning a thing again,
I’d even prefer that we brought back Sven.
McClaren

So Germany tonight, the old enemy’s back,
And I hope we get hammered, so he gets the sack.
Steve Fucking McClaren.

ntw

In-Grrrrr-Lund

Just before I start, just like to say how pleased I am that Dyer has finally left NUFC, Big Sam has, at last, shipped out the last of the ‘bad eggs’. Keiron Dyer always reminded me of George Best… The name describes the man..

Right, here I go, I just need to have another rant about our current national team boss. I can’t even bear to type his name, but you know who I’m talking about. The ginger haired, red faced, ex-smoggie manager. At best a glorified coach. For the purpose of this piece I’ll call him “SM”.

Beckham, after one game for the ‘Galaxy’ (yeah too good for a country, or the world now plays for the galaxy) has been picked in “SM’s” squad. Well, frankly why, what the fuck is the point? He has to travel 1000’s of miles to play in a friendly. There is no way that ‘Goldenballs’ can be fit, we all know his qualities, but why drag him half way around the world? Surely “SM’s” not going to play him? Leave him in L.A to build his fitness up and play for the club that are paying him an ‘out of this world’ sum of money. If he plays or not ‘Galaxy’ still have a match the following day, so he’ll miss that, or play jet lagged, and still unfit. If I was a boss at ‘Galaxy’ I’d be livid if “SM” was even thinking of bringing Becks into the squad never mind contemplating playing the tattoo sporting, style icon.

Then there is Michael Owen, which is of more interest to me obviously, however, I’m not being bias, I’m just saying that he’s played about 13 seconds of Premier League football in about 12 months. How is he in the squad ahead of someone like, I don’t know, Nugent. Also and more disturbingly is that he’ll probably get a game in front of the likes of Bent, Johnson and Defoe. If he does then they should do a Carragher and tell “SM” to fuck right off. Again like Beckham everyone knows about Owen, he can score goals on the international stage, but the others? Johnson, Nugent, Bent, Defoe etc etc, are pretty unproven, so at least give them the opportunity in a friendly and on a big stage and lets see what they can do.

For fuck sake Gerrard is even in the ‘squad’, why? He has already said that he isn’t going to play because he has a broken toe!!!!??

I know “SM” has said that he wants to bring these players together, OK bring them together but leave the ‘crocks’ out of the squad and just meet up with them to discuss what ever it is he wants to discuss.

I hate the man, he is inept, absolutely abysmal and he’ll never be the true England manager as long as I’ve got a hole in my arse. At least he didn’t recall Heskey.
To be honest I hope we get beat off the Germans. 6-0 or something, making Soho square think about their choice in manager!! I quite like Germans now anyway, they’re my favourite.!! ;-)
GET “SM” OUT

READ THIS.........

I will write something soon, but in the mean time, READ THIS. HE'S MY FAVOURITE....

http://fasthands-thegeordieauthor.blogspot.com/

No News Is....

Pretty boring, and I’ve been a little busy or lazy to be frank.
Alright already, I’ve been a little busy at late. But he’s some news.
Well my stag do seems like a distant memory and to be honest there aren’t many memories that I have of it anyway… Jeez what a weekend…. I’d love to tell you about the shenanigans but I really don’t remember much.
Any how, the premier league kicked off on Saturday and I must admit I was very excited, we had our fantasy league auction and I had a couple of ‘sherbets’ and ended up buying the biggest pile of wankchops ever. But you never know, they may gel…..

The table never lies, look at the table, the mighty black n whites perching at the top. This will obviously all change in midweek as we haven’t got a game but then again, it probably would have anyway. I’ve just looked at a couple of NUFC forums and already there are idiots on there talking about a possible top 4 finish. This after we’ve just beat a team that I think, will have a relegation battle on their hands. If we’d of beaten Chelsea 3-1 at the Bridge then, yeah, maybe, start the dreaming. But until then…………..

A pregnant girl at work isn’t pregnant any more either. She gave birth 5 weeks early at a music festival in Bristol. Now that’s rock n roll. She’s called in Meadow?! I know… I fields sorry for it too…. She’s not the brightest of sparks though to be fair, she once asked me if we got pancake day off as a public holiday.. Bless her.

FOUR WEEKS ON FRIDAY UNTIL MY WEDDING. Jesus H Corbett, I’m getting a little nervous now, but I don’t know what about?!?!

I know the above is a little sketchy but I’m going to think up something brilliant to talk about and then you’ll see….

You know I said I occasionally write the odd poem for people, well a couple friends of mine were going to their brothers(and in laws) wedding and asked if I’d write them some thing to inform the happy couple that they’d bought them a helicopter ride in the grand canyon as a wedding present. They give me some background history and thus was the finished article….

When Simon & Zoe first met on that night,
On the fourth of December 04.
You could tell then, that it was love at first sight,
Busting moves on Inferno’s dance floor.

They then got engaged whilst on their holls,
In the Dominican Republic, how divine.
No expense spared with the size of the ring,
All the way from Argos for £9.99.

Now the time has arrived at Fawsley Hall,
It’s time to celebrate their wedding day.
Today is the beginning of their lives together,
And tomorrow their honeymoon in the U.S of A.

So it’s across the Atlantic to the United States,
For the new groom and for the new bride.
Take in the Grand Canyon, which you’ll both see in style,
As we’ve got you a HELICOPTER RIDE.

We’re sure you’ve had an amazing day,
And hope your honeymoon is as good as can be.
We’d like to congratulate you both once again,
All our love from Emma and from J.P.

Kurt Cobain't gettin on no plane.....

Well it’s finally arrived, almost, and I’ll be jetting off to Berlin for my stag weekend in the morning. Tomorrow has been named (by me) as Dead Rock Star Friday and we’re all going to Berlin dressed as dead rock stars as mentioned previously. Anyway this time tomorrow the ‘eagle’ should have landed so to speak and I should be enjoying a couple of Large ones in a fine Brau Keller (Beer Garden) somewhere in Berlin. The weather looks to be perfect, full sunshine and 26C all weekend so I expect it to be fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.

EXCEPT I hate flying, so will have to get leathered at the airport. Not sure that I’m going to do the same as when I went to Edinburgh and drank a bottle & a glass of wine followed by 2 and a half pints of Stella before boarding. Boarding incidentally was 8.30am. Obviously, I was totally hammered, I think anyway, can’t really remember. Oh and lost my luggage which was really helpful. Anyway, hope none of the later happens in Berlin.

I’ve had so many bad flight experiences from aborted landings to emergency exit door malfunctioning to name but two and I’d be here all day telling you the ‘full stories’ or all of the incidents.

We’re going to one of the worlds largest Beer festivals whilst over there, which has a 1.5km long beer garden which should be amusing. Not sure if the 'Jormans' will be that impressed when 16 mentalist roll up singing, “There were 10 German bombers in the air…… until the RAF from Newc’stle shot one down…….” Oh god…..

Oh the mighty black n whites are close to signing Alan “fuck off” Smith and an old Braziliant Centre half….. But more on the new signings when I return, if I return.

Hopefully none of the lads are dressing up as Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens or Ottis Redding, because we all know how they become ‘Dead Rock Stars’.. Oh shit……

Don’t Worry/Worry - ??

I know a lot of people are saying don’t worry, Sam will get it right etc etc. But it has become apparent that he hasn’t the money everyone thought he was going to get, in fact he’s only spent £2.7m? It’s also apparent that other ‘mid-table’ clubs are splashing the cash!! Were all the rumours of potential world class signings (Deco etc) made around the same time season tickets applications were due in, a coincidence, or actually made by the club to get them sold? I ask you this question if Mr Ashley is saying he’s not opening his wallet to spend money, why not, he’s sold all the season tickets? & WHAT’S HAPPENED TO THE £40m, PROMISED TV REVENUE MONEY.!!