I was playing football at the weekend (yes still at my ripe old age) and if you can picture the scene. It was a cup match and there was quite a few people watching. The ball was running out of play for a throw in on the half way. I gave chase along with an opponent. I was trying to shepherd the ball out as it was going to be a throw-in to us and he was trying to keep the ball in play. As I was in between the ball and their player there was only going to be one outcome, that was until the little shit pushed me as hard as he could. I shot forward, stumbling and flailing my arms losing my balance. I looked up to see where I was uncontrollably heading, when I noticed I was flying straight for a group of people in the middle of which, stood a pushchair/pram/buggy type contraption. Thinking quickly (well as quick as I could) I attempted to dive across the fast approaching baby carrier. I managed to clear it, however, I did clip it with my knee as I flew, stuntman style, across the top of it.
I ended up on my back surrounded by a bunch of Bicester locals, laughing at my heroics. Worryingly I got up to see if the occupant of the pram was harmed in any way, only to find that luckily, the mother, or who I assumed was the mother, had been holding the baby all the time and it wasn’t in the pram.
Thinking no more of it, I laughed and got on with the game, which we lost by the way.
Anyway after getting changed in the filthy, dank, wet changing rooms, one of my team mates came in asking who played number 7 for us. I piped up, joking “me, why have I received man of the match”
“No”, he said “There’s a woman outside wanting some money of you, because you’ve damaged her pushchair”.
Fucking Cheek.
I went outside and sure enough, the woman with the baby and pushchair was waiting. Straight away she said “Your number 7 aren’t you?, I want some money off you as you’ve knackered my buggy”. She had some balls, I’ll give her that, but I responded with a few expletives and the contempt it deserved. Unbelievable, some people.
Tuesday 30 October 2007
Monday 22 October 2007
Mike Ashley to IKEA
A quote from Big Mike over the weekend. "I want to have fun and win some trophies," he said. "That's the first aim - to get trophies in the cabinet. However, first of all we have to get a trophy cabinet!"
Sounds Brilliant.
First stop a trohpy cabinet shop.!!!
Sounds Brilliant.
First stop a trohpy cabinet shop.!!!
Thursday 18 October 2007
Old Ages
Why is it that when your young, age is one of the most important things in the world. At a really early age your obviously days, weeks, then months old, but even when your 1 year old, your described as 12 months, one and a half and your 18 months, all the way up until your 2.
Then your age in described in fractions, always 4 and a half or 13 and three quarters or whatever. Then it becomes less important and you’re a whole number 15, 24 etc (just in case you didn’t know what a whole number was).
Once past about 30 however, you forget all about age and you completely forget how old you are and have to calculate it from your date of birth (that is if you can remember what year it is) when asked. Or you just lie about it, and pretend your younger than you actually are, that’s mainly a woman thing though. My mother in law lies about her age so much that she now has to lie about my wife’s age, just so it checks out.
Then it goes almost full circle, when you get into your ‘twilight’ years. You all of a sudden remember EXACTLY how old you are, Alzheimer’s or not. Because then you have bragging rights, and will use those rights all the time, even just to start a conversation off in a doctors waiting room, “I’m 81 nearly 82 and I’ve got all my own teeth”.
Not sure the point of this little story, just my thought for the day……
Then your age in described in fractions, always 4 and a half or 13 and three quarters or whatever. Then it becomes less important and you’re a whole number 15, 24 etc (just in case you didn’t know what a whole number was).
Once past about 30 however, you forget all about age and you completely forget how old you are and have to calculate it from your date of birth (that is if you can remember what year it is) when asked. Or you just lie about it, and pretend your younger than you actually are, that’s mainly a woman thing though. My mother in law lies about her age so much that she now has to lie about my wife’s age, just so it checks out.
Then it goes almost full circle, when you get into your ‘twilight’ years. You all of a sudden remember EXACTLY how old you are, Alzheimer’s or not. Because then you have bragging rights, and will use those rights all the time, even just to start a conversation off in a doctors waiting room, “I’m 81 nearly 82 and I’ve got all my own teeth”.
Not sure the point of this little story, just my thought for the day……
Friday 12 October 2007
Neil & Lisa (The Happy Couple)
During my wedding service, we had a couple of readings, one of which was done by our nephew Nathan (aged 9), it was a little (well quite lengthy really for a 9 year old) poem about me and the wife meeting etc. Anyway, I thought I’d stick this on here as some people have asked to see it.
Lisa & Neil
They both met one evening, at a ro-mantic spot,
At the bar down in Banbury’s Chicago Rock.
But it took them a while before together they would be,
They waited until they were colleagues at the company CPB.
So the courtship had started for Lisa and Neil,
No time for the cinema or candle lit meal.
They soon moved in together as happy can be,
Six Marlborough Road over in Banbury.
After they’d been together for years, I think 3,
They bought a beautiful little house called the Boundary.
Living in Middleton Cheney was always the plan,
So they moved to Bowman’s Close opposite Lisa’s Nan.
Both sets of families met, and they got along grand,
The Southerners, the Jocks and the folk from Geordie land.
But Neil being a Geordie, my Granddad gives him Flack,
But it could have been a lot worse, Neil could have been … a Makem.
Over in Portugal the proposal question was popped,
And the way it was done, I don’t think could be topped.
By moon light on a cliff top, the view had the lot,
When Neil said to Lisa, “So, do you fancy marrying me or what?”
Soon into the engagement, the planning then begun,
And Lisa and her mum said “there’s shopping to be done”.
And to make a change, every Saturday without fail,
To shops in all directions, Lisa and her mum would trail.
Neil really wanted to go with them, to each shopping mall,
But he was too busy with business involving a foot and a ball.
But it’s all come together and this day will be the best,
After this Lisa and her mother deserve a good long rest. (With a bit of shopping thrown in).
So today is the day when the happy couple are wed,
And a fantastic couple they are too, it has to be said (can you tell Neil wrote this).
We’ve all gathered here to celebrate their wedding day,
That’s the end of my little story, only one more thing to say.
They are not only lovers, but they truly are best mates,
Meaning that their future together, bodes to be really great.
Becoming Mr & Mrs Townley-Williams, that will make it real,
So all the best of luck, to Aunty Lisa and Uncle Neil.
ntw
Lisa & Neil
They both met one evening, at a ro-mantic spot,
At the bar down in Banbury’s Chicago Rock.
But it took them a while before together they would be,
They waited until they were colleagues at the company CPB.
So the courtship had started for Lisa and Neil,
No time for the cinema or candle lit meal.
They soon moved in together as happy can be,
Six Marlborough Road over in Banbury.
After they’d been together for years, I think 3,
They bought a beautiful little house called the Boundary.
Living in Middleton Cheney was always the plan,
So they moved to Bowman’s Close opposite Lisa’s Nan.
Both sets of families met, and they got along grand,
The Southerners, the Jocks and the folk from Geordie land.
But Neil being a Geordie, my Granddad gives him Flack,
But it could have been a lot worse, Neil could have been … a Makem.
Over in Portugal the proposal question was popped,
And the way it was done, I don’t think could be topped.
By moon light on a cliff top, the view had the lot,
When Neil said to Lisa, “So, do you fancy marrying me or what?”
Soon into the engagement, the planning then begun,
And Lisa and her mum said “there’s shopping to be done”.
And to make a change, every Saturday without fail,
To shops in all directions, Lisa and her mum would trail.
Neil really wanted to go with them, to each shopping mall,
But he was too busy with business involving a foot and a ball.
But it’s all come together and this day will be the best,
After this Lisa and her mother deserve a good long rest. (With a bit of shopping thrown in).
So today is the day when the happy couple are wed,
And a fantastic couple they are too, it has to be said (can you tell Neil wrote this).
We’ve all gathered here to celebrate their wedding day,
That’s the end of my little story, only one more thing to say.
They are not only lovers, but they truly are best mates,
Meaning that their future together, bodes to be really great.
Becoming Mr & Mrs Townley-Williams, that will make it real,
So all the best of luck, to Aunty Lisa and Uncle Neil.
ntw
Thursday 11 October 2007
Favourite Sayings (Part 1)
I was thinking the other day (yeah, every few days I like to have a little think), about bizarre ridiculous sayings and thought I’d share a few of them with you. So here you go….
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”! Is there, how many and how do people know that?
“It’s not a million miles away”!! – Thanks, helpful, where is??
Don’t tell your granny how to suck eggs – OK Right? I’ll try not too?!
Hang on I’ve just had another thought…….
Why don’t you see robins (the birds) in summer?? Hmmmm.
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”! Is there, how many and how do people know that?
“It’s not a million miles away”!! – Thanks, helpful, where is??
Don’t tell your granny how to suck eggs – OK Right? I’ll try not too?!
Hang on I’ve just had another thought…….
Why don’t you see robins (the birds) in summer?? Hmmmm.
Tuesday 2 October 2007
WED MOON
Hello, Hello, Hello,
I’m back from my wedding/honeymoon, the wedding went very smoothly and was absolutely top draw. Everything went to plan, the weather was fantastic and all in all, everyone had a great time (I think, well everyone I’ve spoke to anyway). Lewis had decorated his Beemer up with black and white ribbons for my arrival which was cool. Everyone arrived in good time, well, pretty much anyway. The ceremony was quite comical, especially when the registrar said to me, repeat after me. “Why I Neil Williams” to which I put my broadest Geordie accent on to say “WEY AYE Neil Williams”. What a comedy genius, I bet it’s never been done before.
The Spanish Cuban Salsa day time band ‘Mas Y Mas’ were superb and the fog fizz went down splendidly. The speeches by my groomsmen (Lard, Blah, Warner and Diet) were good, although when Warner said that he thought I was going to Wales on my honeymoon as I said ‘I was going to Banger for two weeks’ and Lisa’s dad picked up that knife I got a little, should I say nervous.
The food was great and the cocktail party went well, then it all got a little hazy. We cut the cake and our first dance was teenage wedding a la Pulp Fiction style, which was a laugh, the evening band then kicked in and they rocked. More drinks etc etc……what a phenomenal day…
The honeymoon too was great, 2 weeks in Sharm el Sheik, the resort was superb, the red sea spectacular but the surrounding area? Hmm not great. Narma Bay (the local town) was ok I suppose, but you got hassled to buggary from the locals wanting you to “come in to my shop” or “come and I’ll get you my business card” (what for? No idea). The tipping also was beyond believe, I didn’t want to look at some of them, in case they wanted a tip.
We also went to Cairo to see the Pyramids and sphinx. Cairo wasn’t what I expected it to be, it was a huge city, full of high rise, ugly, dirty, tower blocks. The pyramids were pretty much slap bang next to the tower blocks, not what I expected at all. They were really cool to see and wander round, as was the sphinx, but it wasn’t as magical or mysterious as I thought. Especially when you can see a McDonalds and KFC 50 yards or so away. The Cairo museum (where the artefacts removed from the pyramids are kept) was quite interesting, mummified crocodiles, hundreds of sculptures from a few centimetres high to 20 meters high. (God knows how they moved them around nowadays never mind thousands of years ago). However, some of the most important artefacts, for example Tutankhamun’s gold mask were replicas, why?, because the originals are in another museum. Must be in Luxor Museum, I thought, valley of the kings and all that. No, wrong, they are in London. Bloody London, I’d got a flight (and as some of you may know, I’ve got to get paralytic before I get on a flight, as I hate flying), on the oldest plane still active, to a shit hole of a city to be told the most important pieces I was looking at were replicas because the originals were an hour down the road from where I live. What a fucking cheek.
You also got pestered to death at the pyramids too for cash, or “tips” as they liked to call it, Arabs on camels would saunter over (can you saunter on a camel? Who knows) and say “do you want a ride on my camel”, which you could ride for free to be honest, however, he would charge you for getting off the smelly fucking thing, sometimes up to £100. or he’d say “let me take a photo of you” then charge you for the privilege. There was help at hand though, there were police on camels who would chase away the harassers for you if they got a bit too much, BUT and it’s a big BUT, the police would then come back to you for tips, for getting rid of the person who was harassing you for money.!! UNBELIEVEABLE.
Me and my good wife went into a tomb where there were hieroglyphics on the wall and a scruffy security guard reading the paper in the corner. As I started to take photographs the guard, got up and rubbed his fingers against his thumb whispering “tips, tips”. “For what?” I asked, “Reading the fucking paper”.
“No tips, no photo, get out”. The cheeky sod. I should have gone to the pol
ice, oh hang on, that would have probably cost me more!!
Luckily the cash point in our hotel didn’t have any money in it the morning of our trip so I had no “tips, tips” to give the greedy shits. It didn’t however, stop them patting me down to check after they’d point me in the direction of the Sphinx, they even checked under my hat for cash. I mean, honestly.
I did have £15 (Egyptian pounds) about £1.50 which I had to give to a persistent bloke on a camel who followed us round and demanded he took a picture of us stood next to his camel (which incidentally was called Michael Jackson). It was ‘Bad’ shit.
I’m back from my wedding/honeymoon, the wedding went very smoothly and was absolutely top draw. Everything went to plan, the weather was fantastic and all in all, everyone had a great time (I think, well everyone I’ve spoke to anyway). Lewis had decorated his Beemer up with black and white ribbons for my arrival which was cool. Everyone arrived in good time, well, pretty much anyway. The ceremony was quite comical, especially when the registrar said to me, repeat after me. “Why I Neil Williams” to which I put my broadest Geordie accent on to say “WEY AYE Neil Williams”. What a comedy genius, I bet it’s never been done before.
The Spanish Cuban Salsa day time band ‘Mas Y Mas’ were superb and the fog fizz went down splendidly. The speeches by my groomsmen (Lard, Blah, Warner and Diet) were good, although when Warner said that he thought I was going to Wales on my honeymoon as I said ‘I was going to Banger for two weeks’ and Lisa’s dad picked up that knife I got a little, should I say nervous.
The food was great and the cocktail party went well, then it all got a little hazy. We cut the cake and our first dance was teenage wedding a la Pulp Fiction style, which was a laugh, the evening band then kicked in and they rocked. More drinks etc etc……what a phenomenal day…
The honeymoon too was great, 2 weeks in Sharm el Sheik, the resort was superb, the red sea spectacular but the surrounding area? Hmm not great. Narma Bay (the local town) was ok I suppose, but you got hassled to buggary from the locals wanting you to “come in to my shop” or “come and I’ll get you my business card” (what for? No idea). The tipping also was beyond believe, I didn’t want to look at some of them, in case they wanted a tip.
We also went to Cairo to see the Pyramids and sphinx. Cairo wasn’t what I expected it to be, it was a huge city, full of high rise, ugly, dirty, tower blocks. The pyramids were pretty much slap bang next to the tower blocks, not what I expected at all. They were really cool to see and wander round, as was the sphinx, but it wasn’t as magical or mysterious as I thought. Especially when you can see a McDonalds and KFC 50 yards or so away. The Cairo museum (where the artefacts removed from the pyramids are kept) was quite interesting, mummified crocodiles, hundreds of sculptures from a few centimetres high to 20 meters high. (God knows how they moved them around nowadays never mind thousands of years ago). However, some of the most important artefacts, for example Tutankhamun’s gold mask were replicas, why?, because the originals are in another museum. Must be in Luxor Museum, I thought, valley of the kings and all that. No, wrong, they are in London. Bloody London, I’d got a flight (and as some of you may know, I’ve got to get paralytic before I get on a flight, as I hate flying), on the oldest plane still active, to a shit hole of a city to be told the most important pieces I was looking at were replicas because the originals were an hour down the road from where I live. What a fucking cheek.
You also got pestered to death at the pyramids too for cash, or “tips” as they liked to call it, Arabs on camels would saunter over (can you saunter on a camel? Who knows) and say “do you want a ride on my camel”, which you could ride for free to be honest, however, he would charge you for getting off the smelly fucking thing, sometimes up to £100. or he’d say “let me take a photo of you” then charge you for the privilege. There was help at hand though, there were police on camels who would chase away the harassers for you if they got a bit too much, BUT and it’s a big BUT, the police would then come back to you for tips, for getting rid of the person who was harassing you for money.!! UNBELIEVEABLE.
Me and my good wife went into a tomb where there were hieroglyphics on the wall and a scruffy security guard reading the paper in the corner. As I started to take photographs the guard, got up and rubbed his fingers against his thumb whispering “tips, tips”. “For what?” I asked, “Reading the fucking paper”.
“No tips, no photo, get out”. The cheeky sod. I should have gone to the pol
ice, oh hang on, that would have probably cost me more!!Luckily the cash point in our hotel didn’t have any money in it the morning of our trip so I had no “tips, tips” to give the greedy shits. It didn’t however, stop them patting me down to check after they’d point me in the direction of the Sphinx, they even checked under my hat for cash. I mean, honestly.
I did have £15 (Egyptian pounds) about £1.50 which I had to give to a persistent bloke on a camel who followed us round and demanded he took a picture of us stood next to his camel (which incidentally was called Michael Jackson). It was ‘Bad’ shit.
(Above: Me, Lisa and Michael Jackson)
Anyway, I know it may not sound brilliant but I’m pleased that I’ve seen this ‘wonder of the world’. They were quite awe inspiring even if they didn’t make me feel like Indiana Jones and it was a experience in it’s self. The Nile was very nice and we had tea (well wine) on a boat, which was very British and pleasant.
Swimming/Snorkelling in the red sea was unbelievable, the fish are just amazing, anything from glamorous angel fish to graceful manta rays and other fish in every different shape and every colour imaginable. Stunning.
We went jeep rallying across the very rocky dessert and camel trekking along the coast. By the time we’d finished we felt as if we’d been kicked to Sharm El Shiek, but it was a good laugh.
A great honeymoon, not our first choice (because they were out of season) nevertheless a phenomenally brilliant time.
Anyway, I know it may not sound brilliant but I’m pleased that I’ve seen this ‘wonder of the world’. They were quite awe inspiring even if they didn’t make me feel like Indiana Jones and it was a experience in it’s self. The Nile was very nice and we had tea (well wine) on a boat, which was very British and pleasant.
Swimming/Snorkelling in the red sea was unbelievable, the fish are just amazing, anything from glamorous angel fish to graceful manta rays and other fish in every different shape and every colour imaginable. Stunning.
We went jeep rallying across the very rocky dessert and camel trekking along the coast. By the time we’d finished we felt as if we’d been kicked to Sharm El Shiek, but it was a good laugh.
A great honeymoon, not our first choice (because they were out of season) nevertheless a phenomenally brilliant time.
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